Washing Off Some of the Mud

I feel a bit compelled to continue to write about the misery I went through when I was dealing with my anxiety, not only to continue to help, but for my own personal cleansing. Last week when I wrote about my journey, I felt a huge sense of release and maybe if I continue to share my story in small pieces with you,  I may slowly let go of any parts of me that are still holding onto the 'mud'. 


 Now that I am on 'this' side of anxiety, I wanted to share something beautiful that came from being on 'that' side.. of the 'mud' as I adoringly refer to it. But before I get started, I want to explain a bit more about 'this' side. I still have anxiety, I believe strongly that we all do, some form of it anyway. I have uncomfortable thoughts almost everyday. Its just the way that I recognize the thought.. label it .. and throw it away now that is different. If I have a bad thought that is lingering and I can't really let it go, I will sometimes write it down on paper. Seeing it and reading it .. it almost loses power, and I smile at the release of the strength just a simple thought had on me. I feel free and in control. It is beautiful. 


The prelude to the reason for this post:


Part 1 (haha)


So, as I said before, last winter was the strongest part of the 'mud' that I went through. I was living in internal hell as I lightly explained in 'Digging Deep'. By spring, I hated everything. One thing that I hated most, and was tagging most of my unhappiness on, was our house and the town we lived in. I had it in my head that if we sold this house and moved to the town where my mom, my sister and my mother in law all lived, that was going to make me happy. (I thought that I would be safe there) So, my poor husband, loving me way too much, and just wanting to see me happy, worked his balls off on this house to get it 'ready' to put on the market. (fuck I love him) So, that's what we did. In the process, MLS became my drug... I sought out happiness by searching for 'the one'. "The house we would all be happy in."" The house to raise our children".... blah blah blah...
I did find one that I really 'fell in love' with. We even put an offer in on it. But due to the brutal market out here, our house didn't sell in time. I was devastated. I cried and cried for the loss of 'what could have been'. (It was a sight!)  But, we kept looking. 
Meanwhile, because it was spring, and our house was on the market, I was in a hustle and bustle getting our yard into tip top. Much too busy to be thinking about all of the 'dangers' that were lurking in the yard, waiting for me (haha).. I started to notice ..... our beautiful big back yard! Wow! And every time we looked at a potential house, all I could see was... our beautiful big back yard! My husband, with a sense of relief, noticed a change in me..... and one day, he just walked out to the front yard, and took the 'For Sale' sign down and yelled "We aren't moving!" ... and that was that!(fuck I love him)

Who in their "clear" mind would ever want to leave this??

Ok.. today.. I kinda hate the snow... I'm itching for spring!! ;)

Part 2 (haha) 


During the time where we initially put our house up for sale, our daughter started a close friendship with our neighbors son. This ignited a friendship between his mother and myself. I had complained all winter that I 'didn't have any friends out here', and well, I wasn't really putting myself out there to meet any friends in our town either. The friendship that blossomed between us was refreshing. (I'm not wanting to sound cheesy here, but it was) For some reason I was able to be pretty open with her and express some of my fears (going for walks and to the park are a couple) and she understood and didn't laugh at me. She encouraged me to go for walks with her to town.. and to start doing fun things with my kids again. She helped me recognize my fears and how to prove them wrong or at very least, to prevent. So ... along side the house being up for sale, I also  had this new refreshing friend that had children ... and shared common interests with me (gardening a major one)... I found myself really struggling to find reason to move, and reason to be unhappy. But of course.. the unhappiness lingered on for months. Even when I had all the things I was wanting and looking for in the 'mud'.


This is what brings me to fall... post counseling. ( reading, 'Loving What Is' at the time) I was sitting on the porch with a friend of mine that I have mentioned before.. ( I like to leave everyone nameless out of respect for their privacy) we can call her Cherry (her favorite color is red) from now on, she's a big part of my life, she needs a reference... anyways, we were sitting on the porch one night in October, and we were staring at the stars (we share a strong bond with nature) as we often do... when I just outwardly expressed " I love this house. ... I love this neighborhood .. I love this town. .. I feel so safe here." 
WOW... the pieces began to fall ...
.........
.....
..
"Oh my Gawd!! I get it!!"
"Get what?" said Cherry

......? Wide eyed ... waiting..
"You have to love what is 'right now' or you will never love what is to come!!" (some of you that are much more enlightened than I may find that a ridiculous statement) but this is where a piece in the puzzle of  my 'life' came together for me. Before this momentous point in my life, I was constantly searching for all the 'things' that would make me happy. Maybe not in strong relation to the terms consumerism .. or materialism  .. but very close. I think we can all relate to them. 
We all want.. bigger houses.. nicer clothes.. better jobs.. fancy cars/trucks.. new dirt bikes.. new coach bags.. big boats.. fancy holiday trailers ...you get my point... and these are all fine and dandy. The problem that lies is when you 'need' (there is an unmeasurable difference between a want and a need in my life) these things because you think they will bring you happiness. AH HA! So, for me, 'needing' to move into a nice new house in a new town where there were people that loved me, wasn't right... because I was trying to escape my reality....




The lesson I learned:
I had to learn to love who I am, everything that I am blessed to have (my family, the beautiful home we live in...) and accept my life for what it was right then, in that moment, or my anxiety and my unhappiness would have moved right along with us into that big fancy new house!


Basically I had to learn to live in harmony with the way things were. Because when I hoped and wished and prayed for something more ... I was at war with reality. But in true reality, happiness comes from within. It is a state of being. A choice. 


I learned peace of mind and internal happiness from my anxiety .... a beautiful flower that grew from the 'mud'.

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The Lotus Flower grows in deep mud, far away from the sun. But, sooner or later, the Lotus reaches the light becoming the most beautiful flower ever.

With much love...