Digging Deep

The topic I want to express my thoughts on today is ANXIETY ... eeeewwwwww ... this nasty thing that goes on in our brains and cripples us from 'living'. It's like a flu virus .. you can't see it coming .. and before you know it.. you are curled up in a ball ..with your arms wrapped around the toilet and you're crying for your Mommy!
All joking aside.. I just lived a year and a half of my life partially crippled from Anxiety. But during that time..  I had no idea what was wrong with me. Looking back, it's very easy to see what it was ... but it took me more than a handful of one hour sessions with a counsellor before I could label it for what it truly was. For me, it was as if all common sense, that tells you what is harmful and what is not, was just gone. Everything scared me. I understand that it may affect everyone differently than it affected me ... but maybe you will be able to relate and seek relief in knowing that you aren't alone. 


Here are some examples of what it looked like to me:
I was afraid to go for walks .. (walking has always been my salvation) because .. well .. a cougar just might attack me on the way... hahaha (I'm mocking the severity of these thoughts now.. because now I see how unlikely that event would be.. but in the moment it was as real as the sky is blue) so.. I would come up with every excuse in the book not to go ... and I would tell myself.. I will just go tomorrow. (I never went)
I was afraid to drive to town .. especially if the kids were with me (they were always with me) because a logging truck might take a corner too quick and all the logs will fall onto our truck and kill us.
If I had a headache (which would have most likely been brought on by the amount of worrying I was doing) I couldn't take a tylenol to ease the pain .. no .. no .. because I might have a reaction .. have a seizure .. and well ... it snowballs from there.
I definitely could NOT go to a park, a pool, or basically anywhere that children want to be .. because the kids (mine) would be touching everything .. and well they could catch a virus that could end up killing us.
I even cancelled a trip we had planned to Vegas .. which I was truly excited about.. because I was too afraid to fly .. to afraid to be away from the kids..
In a nutshell .. I was afraid to die and anything and everything was bound and determined to kill me! I had no idea where any of these fears were coming from. They just whirled in my head.. pretty much all day, everyday. I actually have had the thought that is in the cartoon that follows:

senweb.lr.k12.nj.us

I was driving myself crazy.. I drove my poor husband crazy and I drove my closest friends and family away from me because of the amount of complaining and anger that was seeping out of my core. I locked us all up tight in our little humble home .. out of fear .. and alienated the outside world. I did express to some of my close friends that I was scared.. of basically everything, but I think they even viewed it more as anger, because that's how I was portraying it. By spring .. I hated everyone and everything around me ..


With Spring comes yard work. (I love yard work)  Slowly .. and only because the job had to get done .. I started going outside. And bit by bit .. some of my fears started to just disappear. I could take the kids on long walks again.. (I took bear spray and a knife haha) and I started riding my bike a lot! My good neighbor (who I am very close friends with now) motivated me to do walks into town (safety in numbers) and as I took the footsteps I was on the road to recovery. I was doing something active outside almost everyday. I even took the kids to the park and to the outdoor pool, and enrolled Matty in swimming lessons! (these were major hurdles for me to overcome) By July or August I was feeling really normal again .. or maybe I was just learning coping mechanisms so that I wasn't depriving the kids of having a fun summer. But something was there .. lingering .. and I was still angry ..


 In September I started having some serious fears of being home alone... which turned into anger towards my husband.. because his work was forcing him to be away from home. So the only solution I could think.. was that he HAD to quit his job and get a new job that was closer to home. (this coming from a woman that 2 years prior.. loved absolutely everything about having a husband that worked away) Many tears were shed on my part .. I was torn and I didn't know what to do. One of my best friends reminded me of the clarity I had when I saw my counsellor many years prior.. and I decided to take the leap once again. There is such a strong stigma attached to the reputation of counsellors .. no one wants to admit that they have problems. I am not one of those people any longer. Counsellors ROCK in my opinion! Mine helped give me my life back! I highly recommend seeking a counselor to anyone! Honestly I think everyone has something that they could talk about. 


So .. from the first time I sat with my counsellor, my eyes began to open to what was really going on. Very quickly she was able to establish where this "fear of dying" thing that was overwhelming my life, had come from. She asked me if I had a near death experience recently, and I had to really think about that. And then I realized .. I did! (or so I thought) So .. I told her this story, .. After I had Bryar, I had a "blood pocket" (which I don't need to get into .. save all the woozy people from passing out while reading) so basically I went straight to the hospital. Bryar was just shy of being a week old so my husband stayed out in the truck with him and I was in the emergency room alone. I was bleeding more than anyone I had ever seen in 'real' life. I was crying silently in the stale room.. laying there .. thinking I was going to die. And there it began...... I worried "who would 'mother' my children??? No one will raise them the way I plan to .. no one will love them the way I do .. I don't want to miss them growing .. learning .. laughing .. loving .. crying" ... the thoughts flooded and I cried. 
The nurse finally came back.. looked at my dressing and her eyes popped. (Not a good sign) "Oh wow.. you're really bleeding" .. zooooom .. my thoughts went wild. Panic set in. The doctor decided to make me walk around and stay standing to see if the bleeding would stop. (I didn't trust him.. and quite honestly it didn't look like it was going to stop) Then .. after what felt like hours, just as quickly as it started, it STOPPED! . Holy shit!! I'm going to live!! I couldn't believe it! .... and then they sent me home!!! 
As the words were coming out of my mouth, I knew that this is where it all really began. I was so afraid of all those thoughts I had had at the hospital, and the only way I knew how "not" to die was to pretty much lock us all inside and throw away the key. What followed was a winter of pure hell. (well in my mind there was hell) Outwardly I was doing a really good job of trying to hide how scared I was ... I just got really good at making up excuses so that I didn't have to leave the house. Of course I did leave .. but it wasn't even a smidgeon of the amount I normally would have, or the amount I do now. 


It was so clear when she pointed out how quickly your brain seeks truth in our thoughts. Because "I thought I was going to die" I tried to prove my it to my brain ... 


Back to the counselor... she just winds up and figuratively slaps me in the face with ... "They don't let dying people just get up and WALK around the hospital you know!" 
SMACK! ...WHAT? Oh my gawd... she's right!  That thought never even crossed my mind when I was at the hospital. (This is the moment where I felt the first sense of relief) She proceeded to tell me that anxiety is very easy to overcome.. (when you recognize it for what it is) and she continues on with a few questions ... example:
 "So when you take your children to the park how do you feel?" Me: "Well, I feel scared and uneasy. I'm on edge the entire time." 
Then she continues with: "What kind of mom would you be if you didn't think those thoughts that make you feel that way?"
Me: "Well, I would be fun! I would play and run and be joyful" 
Her: "Then, wouldn't it just be easier if you didn't think those thoughts ??" ......
 EEERRRRCCCCHHHH! What? Those feelings that I have all day everyday, are just THOUGHTS??... Thoughts that I am thinking?? I am the one that is driving me crazy??? (I was blaming everything around me for my unhappiness) Here comes the next figurative ... SMACK! This realization clicked very quickly for me... 
 I started laughing ... and then crying ... some more laughing .. crying .. (you get the picture) I was in complete disbelief. And I instantly felt amazing. The entire last year flashed through my head. I felt sadness for an instant .. it felt like I had wasted a year.. and definitely a winter.. but then, that thought disappeared quickly. I was just so happy that I could see my future. I was going to get my life back and I was going to be ok. So with a handful more visits, many more tears.. and with a lot of work.. 4 months later.. I feel more 'normal' now than I did even before I had my first child. 
I leave the house almost everyday. I send my kids to school and to daycare. I go to the gym and to the grocery store. I have found my love for driving again and I am no longer addicted to hand sanitizer! All of these things would spiral me into a panic attack before, and now I can do them without even a thought of danger. I am so grateful that I took that scary step to reach out and tell someone that could help me.
It is very hard for me to write this .. and very scary for me.. but I want to face this fear and share this story with you, with hopes that if any of you, or someone you know, can relate to any type of fear... there is help!
 At my first visit with my counsellor, she made me go buy this book called 'Loving What Is'. It seriously gave me the tools to gain my confidence back and to start living the life I wanted to. Even if you have the smallest anxieties .. about your kids getting sick.. getting into a car accident when you drive.. a fear of heights ... a fear of parenting ... on and on .. this book will help you. I promise! 

coachtothecontrary.com

I really hope that you buy it .. and that it helps. It's by far the best 'self help' book that I have ever read. I use the work that she shows you, almost everyday. I even used it when I was on the chairlift the other day!! I had a slight panic attack (the height).. so I did the work and I was fine for the rest of the day! Im posting this with much love.. and peace of mind.